Our high school here sits upon a hill (that is why we call it a high school) an we have a mity fine football coach. Coach Cletus has been with our team fer nigh on to a coons age. That there feller is smarterin a whip an he knows how to make the grade with them guys an gals on the football team. It shore is a shame but the fact is, not a lot of them guys and gals on the team could “make the grade” even if they tried! I am shore not makin fun of them or nuthin but if their brain was ink, most of them could not dot an “i”.
Well, the superintendent, the school board, the parent teachers group and the Parents Of Other Parents In Education came to a like-minded, all of one mind decision. (Well, to be honest, that were not hard to do since Coach Cletus is the only member of all them groups) He decided that the quarterback of the football team was not doin’ her part to become learned in the fine art of math so he told her that the only way she was goin to play on Wednesday night was if she could answer a math question. Well, Coach Cletus did not be wantin to make it too difficult for her because she was the star of the team. In fact, she was the quarterback, the tight end and the linebacker of the 8 folk team so they could not do without her.
Well, Coach Cletus gathered them all in one fell swoop and told them what Claritalynn had to do to play in the big game on Thursday night. They was all real nervous like because they needed her real bad; just like Liberace needed his piano (see, he was a famous piano player so that made him a penist) Anyhow, he set her down on a stool in the middle of the room but she were not happy sittin in dookie so he had her stand in the middle of the group. The tension in that room was as thick as Ken Leatherman’s skull (well, probably not THAT thick but purt near as close). Coach Cletus looked her right in her eyeball and asked, “Claritalynn, how much is two and two?”
That there room went deathly quiet! They KNEW they was needin her in Friday night’s big game. Yew could have heared a bumble bee fart! Claritalynn sat there ponderin the answer cause she knowed she would have only one change to git it right. So, after an hour or two, she looked Coach Cletus right in his left eyeball (Coach only had one, you know) and she answered, “FOUR!” Every guy and gal in that room jumped up from their seats!!! That room erupted in screams and hollers!!! In one voice they all said, “Come on Coach Cletus… give her another chance!”
Yew all take care now and the Ole Hillbilly sends out a great big, smoochy, tabacky swapin, close enough to see boogers, kiss to each and ever one a yew folk!
Yessir, there shore are some fine folks here in the holler! Tink Boord-Dill is the librarian down at the Stumpwoody Public Library! She keeps the picture book in the library filed when it ain’t on loan and she is a downright nice lady!
Other day, Tink had her a leak in the sink outside the outhouse! Drip… drip… drip… drip… finally she got tired of that leak and she called Mason Dixon who is the local plumber in Stumpwoody. Here in Stumpwoody, the job of plumber is an elected position as voted on by everbody here in the holler! Course, Mason gets elected ever year cause he has the biggest buttcrack here in Stumpwoody!
Anyhow, Tink called Mason and told him, “Mason, you had best get on down here cause I gotta leak in my sink!” Well, Mason sorta scratched his head and told her, “Ms. Tink, you shore don’t have to call me bout that… just go head and do it!”
… and Ms. Tink did!
Ole Cooter was havin some stomach complaints so he called ole Doc Shinbooty. Doc told him he would have to come in for some testin and set up a time for him to come on down.
Well, ole Cooter was sittin in the doctor’s office just waiting to get some a them gastric X-rated rays when he heard the nurse say, “Doc Shinbooty, they is ready to do them x-rays. Thelma Lee will xray em and I will Barrium!
Well now, ole Cotter went and passed plumb out cause he wasn’t even dead yet!
Did you folks be knowin that a business organization is like a tree full of monkeys? Yessir, they all be on different limbs an they all be at different levels. Some of em are climbin up an some of em is movin down.
Them there monkeys on the top looks down an they see a tree full of smilin faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but monkeybutts!
Now if you are successful online, the only monkeybutt you will have to be lookin at is your own!
Hillbilly Marketer’s Rule Of Success #1 – be treatin your interneet business like it IS a business an not like it’s a hobby!!!
Good thang about livin here in the Holler… you don’t never have to eat your vittles alone! Heck, you cain’t! One person has to watch for cars while the other un eats!
Tweeter was goin’ to town the other day and low and behold, he had hisself a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the gravel road and he proceeded to put a bunch of Dandelions front of his truck and another bunch of Dandelions behind his truck. Then he got back in to wait.
Twernt long before Dookie come driving by and he was so plumb curious that he turned around and went back. He stopped and asked Tweeter what the problem was.
Tweeter tole him, “I done gone an had a dadgum flat tire, Dookie.”
Dookie said, “I can see that there, Tweeter, but what’s with all them thar Dandelions?”
Tweeter looked at him sorta strange and responded, “Don’t you be knowin nothin Dookie? When you break down you is supposed to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither but that thar is just what I done.”
Dookie said, “Ahhh heck Tweeter, I done went an forgot all about that!”
You know, Ole Dookie is shore a character! That fellar ain’t got a lick a sense!
Dookie and his friends went deer huntin and paired off in twos for the day. That night, Dookie came back to the cabin all by his lonesome, staggering under the weight of a eight-point buck.
“Where’s Jeddidiah?” the others asked.
“Jeddidiah had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” ole Dookie replied.
“You done left Jeddidiah laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“It shore was a tough call,” nodded Dookie. “But I figured no one was gonna steal Jeddidiah!”
Henryetta Hoggwookie and Laticia Snotthonker went skinny dippin down in Stumpwoody Pond! They got butt nekkid and jumped in the water. Along comes ole Dookie Dimwittie and he stood there gawkin at them there gals. They hunkered down in the water real low so’s he couldn’t see nothin and Henryetta hollered at him, “Dookie! You get on out of here! Don’t you dare be tryin to look at us in our altogethers!” Well, ole Dookie, he told them gals, “I ain’t here to be lookin at you gals. I’m here to feed the alligators!” Whooo weee, ole Dookie gots him an eyefull!
Whoooo Weeee! Who Ya Gonna Call When It Is Time To Dew Some Serious Bug Butt Kickin’? The Hillbilly Marketer, That’s Who!
Jest think about it… there yew are sittin’ with yer bestest guy or gal. That big ole’ full yeller moon is just a risin’ over them thar tree tops and yew done be knowin’ that love is in the air!
Yer sittin’ right next to each other on thut thar soft love seat in the back of yer pickup, jest lookin’ dreamily into each others eyeballs. Yew lean towards each other and yore moist, tender lips commence to touchin together. Tenderly, oh so gently, yew swap tobacco juice with each other and you done be knowin… this here IS love!
All of a sudden like, yore “bestest other” lets out a little yelp and jumps up outta thut dadgum seat of love! Yore so startled, yew swaller yore plug of tobacco. Yore so mad thut yew start to spittin’ and spumin’ because yew didn’t WANT to swaller thut ther plug until later. Dadgum thing still had plenty of tobacco juice in it!
What in tarnation just happened… BUG BITE!
Yes sir, I done be a knowin… thut thar same exact thing has probably done happened to yew quite a few times, too! I can shore imagine whut yore purty dadblamed tired of it. I’m right thar with yew, my bug bit friend!
That is why I done gone and wrote a report to make shore thut ain’t gonna be a happenin’ no more than nine or ten more times… AND THAT’S IT!
Interducing’…
Thaddaeus T. Hogg’s “Guide to Bug and Insect Repellin’ and Treatin’!”
Dear Bug Bit Friend,
I done knowed yew is sick and tired of gettin’ bug bit all the dadburn time! Well sir, I done gone and wrote a report on treatin’ and repellin’ bug bites. In this here report yew will learn what stops thut thar stingin’ and itchin’ from those dadburn bug bites AND it also tells yew how to be a preventin’ them bugs from bitin’!
In this here report, yew is gonna learn:
The history of bug bites! It goes all the way back to Adam and Eve
Natural home remedies what will make them thar bug bites start feelin’ a whole bunches better
Natural home remedies what will keep them dadgum bugs from bitin’ in the first place. Quite honestly, ain’t nothin’ better than Granny Whistlepoop when she breaks wind but she’s a mite expensive to fly out to yer place. BUT this here report has a few of the next best things which is available
My most favoritest home remedy for treatin’ them thar bug bites
I tell yew the story of how ole’ Booger used my most favoritest remedy when he gots in trouble with some a them rattlers he was always a huntin’
I reveal my innermost forbidden’ secrets about whut yew SHOULDN’T use fer bug bites
I’m shore by now thut yew is startin’ to feel all tingly inside your britches from all the excitment! See, that is whut this here sales letter is SUPPOSED to do! I’m buildin’ yew all up so you will be peein’ in yer pants to get a copy of this here report. But hold on a dadgum minute there amonia britchies!
Guess whut else I am gonna do fer you! I said “GUESS” dadgumit! Cain’t figger it out, can yew? Well, if yew will buy this here report, right now, I am gonna let you give it away to other folks! Yew git whut them thar gooroos call “giveaway rights” meanin’ yew can use it for content, yew can use it in membership sites, yew can give it away… jest about anythin’ yew be a wantin’ to do with it. JEST ABOUT… see, yew cain’t be a changin’ a dadgum thing in thut thar report but thut thar is jest about it.
Whoooo weeee, yew cain’t beat that with a stick! This here deal is hottern a date with Shania Twain eatin’ Jalapeno peppers on a hot summer day in Texas!
How Much Does It Cost?
Well, now, this here is where I gots to give yew a little bad news. The fact is, this here report ain’t very cheap. I’m a gonna have to be a chargin’ quite a bit of moolah for this here report but I shore do be a havin’ some purty good reasonin’ for it! I’m afraid I am a gonna have to charge yew $5 fer this here top quality report!
Why Does It Cost $5?
I’m charging $5 for this here report for 3 reasons…
I knowed $5 is a ton of money for mostest people. See, mostest people don’t make over $5 per week like the ole’ Hillbilly does so yew cain’t be expected to live as high on the hog as I do! I unnerstand that! Fact is, all them big gooroo marketers say that people jest don’t appreciate somethin’ lessin they be a payin’ a lot of money for it. THAT is why I am chargin’ so much money for this here report. I want yew to be appreciatin’ it!
Anyone who’s not serious enough about them thar bug bites to invest $5 into this report isn’t gonna even take the time to use them thar methods laid out in the report anyway.
Okay, now here is the biggest one… kin I tell yew a little secret? Okay, hunker up close to yer pooter screen and let ole’ Hillbilly whisper something into yer dadburn ear… see here, ole’ Hillbilly done gone and got his eyeballs set on this here purty little filly what just makes me feel like I gots fire ants deep down in my drawers! I am plumb smitten! Let me show yew a pitcher I have of her… Now you talk about somebody that looks real good nekid… I gots to tell you that I shore do look good nekid, but she’s not interested in seeing me nekid so I’m gonna have to impress her with my high falutin life style.
I’m chargin’ $5 for this here report so this here little filly will take a liken to me! Yew can tell jest by a lookin at her thut she is a high falutin thoroughbred. Jest take a real close look at her and yew will be a seein whut I mean.
Yew be a seein’ whut I was a talkin’ about? Didn’t I tell yew? You will not find any finer rope than what thut there girl done be a holdin’ in her hand. Jest look at it!!! Tarnation, yew jest don’t find fine rope like that jest anywhere!
Jest look at her face… that thar hat jest dips down over her face like nothin’ yew ever seen before. Have yew EVER seen a purtier hat? Heck, no, yew ain’t!
Now, jest take a looksee down below thut thar neck. Whoo weee, have yew EVER seen a purtier double-barrel squirell shooter than whut is broken open acrost her dadgum shoulder?
And last, but certainly not the leastest, did yew even be a noticin’ thut thar chest she has? Take a look jest to the left of thut thar chest and yew will see one of them thar barbed war tatooes! Lord Gawd have mercy on my soul! I jest cain’t hardly stand it!!! I jest be a wishin I had one a them thar tatooes like thut thar!
NOW do yew be a seein why I hast to charge $5 for this hear report? Yew jest don’t find that many wimmin what come standard with all that there equipment! I jest has to do whutever it takes to be impressin’ thut thar gal.
Now, this here part is where all them big gooroos say that I am supposed to be a puttin’ a real strong “call to action.” Thut thar in laymens terms means I am supposed to tell yew to buy my report real bold like…
DADGUMIT! ALL YEW VARMINTS HAD BEST BE BUYIN’ THIS HERE REPORT RIGHT NOW OR I’LL NEVER BE A TURNIN’ THESE HAMSTERS I AM HOLDIN’ HOSTAGE LOOSE! (Kevin Riley done told me to be a sayin’ thut thar)
If yore serious about yer lorem ipsum dolar sit amet, yew will get this here report right now and be a read it today.
See them highlighted words above this line (ipsum dolar sit amet)? See, this here sales writin’ used to be a sales template and them words was already in here. I think I was supposed to take them out but, you know what… I sorta started takin’ a hankerin’ to them; so I am gonna keep them things in. I don’t be a knowin whut they mean but they shore do sound important!
As a matter of fact, I AM deadly serious about thut thar “ipsum dolar sit amet” and anybody else in their right mind outta be serious about theirs! Come on, folks, where in tarnation would yew be without it?
Yes sir, for the price of a fast food dinner down at the Road Kill Kwikie, yew shore can have all of the information yew be a needin’ to jump full force into thut thar lorem ipsum dolar sit amet. Jest please be careful iffin yew do jump in thut yew don’t be a landin’ on Miss Penelope. She get’s a mite ticked iffin folks done be a landin’ on her!
So if you’re serious about lorem ipsum, click the “Click Here To Jump All Over This Here Thing” button below. If you need to justify the expense, skip going to McDonald’s for dinner once this week and it’s paid for.
My legal council, Bubba, wanted to be a sayin’ a few words about my money back guarantee so I am gonna turn it over to him fer a spell. Take it away, Bubba…
Howdy, folks, my name is Snuffy Lumpkins buy yew dang shore can call me “Bubba” because that thar is whut all the folks I be a knowin’ call me!
I jest wanted to tell yew thut that Thaddaeus T. Hogg, the Hillbilly Marketer, has a 100% money back guarantee on anything he does! He means it too. In fact, one gal he had over… umm, excuse me… that thar doesn’t have anythin’ to do with this here report!
Anyway, yew are guaranteed to git yore money back if yew don’t like this here report. I jest want yew to know thut I personally guarantee thut this here report will make yew start laughin’ so hard, your side will start givin’ yew fits! Now, we don’t be a guaranteein anything about payin’ no doctor bills when yew laugh so hard yew hurt yerself! Anywho, thur thar is all I have to be a sayin’!
Thank yew, Bubba! Shore do preciate yew straigntenin’ all that out fer us!
Okay, folks, this here is the part where yore gonna be a givin’ me yer money! All yew gots to do is jest click on that thar PayPal link below and yew will be a sendin’ me five of yore hard earned dollars. If yew is still havin’ some doubts, go on back up to the pitcher of thut thar filly and read thut again! I done told yew I needed it so what is the holdup?
P.S. Seriously, folks, for just $5 I’ll teach you lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Suspendisse enim. How the heck can you pass on that?
Fm: Thaddaeus T. Hogg
Time: Ain’t never learnt to tell it
Why don’t ya’ll come on in here and sit a spell with me? Oh, I’m appologizn, my name is Thaddaeus T. Hogg. That thar T stands for Thadpucker but all my frineds juss call me Bear.
Don’t yew go tellin me…I dun knowed why yew stopped by here today. Yew herd I was one a them world famous marketeers and yew wud be rite. See, I dun got rich teachin folks how to start up thar own inteernat bizness! Why, yew know whut, I knowed I cud teach you tew.
Yew say yew need some sorta proof? Well, don’t chew worry bout that…jes take a look at my brand spankin new mansion I jest bought…
Hooo weeee! Don’t that thar pitcher sat yer mouth jest waterin thankin bout how yew cud own one a them thar mansions? Wellsir, yew shur can! I kin be a teachin yew everythin yew need ta know bout that thar inteernat marketeering.
Yew know, it plum embarrasses me ta go ta bragin but, jest last weak, I dun made me 48 cents by usin that thar Gugle Addsince. But that ain’t all…
Last weak, I also dun made me jus over a dollar with that thar affiliac programs. But that ain’t all…
Jest let me shew yew my recipts frum my leger fore I buried my muney…
Mundey…23 sents
Toosdey…78 sents
Windsey…32 sents
Thersdey…didn’t make no muney but it wus wurth it (me an the missus got a little frisky out hind the barn)
Frydey…64 sents
Saterdey…scrubbin dey
Sundey…the Lards dey
Now, if that thar kind a muney don’t put a itch in yer crotch, I’m guessin ain’t nuthin will!
If yew wanna lurn more bout that thar intarnat marketeering, yew jus get hold a me. Yew kin kontac me by sendin me one a them thar emales to the adress below…
Thaddaeus T. Hogg – the hillbilly marketeer
Telaphon – whut? Yew thank were city slickers or sumpin
emale – thad@hillbillymarketer.com
© 2011The Hillbilly Marketer All rights reserved! Don’t make me git big Bubba after yew!