I been talkin to Omar Cratchity. He has been tellin me bout what happened to him just the other night when he was courtin Priscillie Purkensnot. He and Cillie been courtin for over 5 years now and he got to thinkin it was time to take that relationship to the next level by askin Cillie to get hitched to him. He wanted it to be just the right place and time when he asked her to be his everlovin bride so he took her down to Old Foamy.

Old Foamy was a place deep in the wood where the road dipped down into a sorta trough and it was amongst all these trees and scrubs and such. It is a purty scary place if you do not mind my sayin so and rumor has it that a creature was livin there that all the folk called the “Goat Man!”

That thing is supposed to be part goat and part man and it walks upright on its hind legs. It is supposed to have the head of a goat that has long fangs and claws. Below the waist, it is all mostly goat. Folks say that it is the most frighteningest thing they have seen. It supposedly waits for people to park in that trough and then sneaks up on them, kills them and eat them. Course, there ain’t been no witnesses cause it is fairly hard to profess something if you done been ‘et!

Anyhow, Omar and Cillie was sittin in the sofa in the back of Omar’s truck (You do not sit “on” the sofa in Omar’s truck; you sit “in” the sofa cause you sink so far down in it that you can hardly get out) and they was starin in each other’s eyes! Their heads started movin closer and closer together and their lips met in a kiss as soft as a sow’s underbelly.

They both knew it was time to take their love to the next level so they done something they never had done before. Gently, oh so gently, they swapped the tabacky they was chewin with each other. This was a love that knew no boundaries! They was now committed to each other for all eternity. I have always advocated waitin until after yore married before you start swappin tabacky but kids nowadays just can not wait!

Anyway, them kids was kissin and swappin tabacky juice when all of a sudden, there come a sound like somethin swallerin something and it was comin from right above them (it had to come from right above them cause they was sunk so far down in the sofa, remember?) Shivers started runnin up their backbone (well, honestly, that was caused by them leavin the ice box right under the couch and they had left the lid open) and they oh so slowly looked up to see what was makin that noise that sounded like something swallerin! Starin right back down at them was the scariest thing they had EVER seen! Standin on the top of that truck was this huge, hairy perversion of nature… Kevin Riley in his mankini (oh come on, you do not really believe in the goat man, do you).

Well, Cillie just plum passed out as if she were graveyard dead! Omar did the only thing he knew how to do… he took to screamin and grabbed up Cillie, throwed her out of the truck and jumped up into the driver’s seat (see, there was no back window on the truck… it was for air conditionin). Tears was rollin down Omar’s face as he started that truck right up cause he thought he was goin to get raped.

This creature was knowed for doin stuff like that! The fact is that he probably WOULD have been assaulted but at that exact moment, a hamster went runnin down the road and that great, hairy perversion of nature went chasin after it. Well, Omar slapped that truck in gear and he peeled out of Old Foamy (well, he didn’t exactly peel cause his truck could barely do 30 miles per hour) and he just left poor old Cillie layin in the dirt. We all went out to Old Foamy next day and you know what we found? Nothin! Absolutely nothin! We didn’t really expect to find anythin cause Cillie had walked home and gone to bed and the last anyone saw of Kevin Riley was him chasin that hamster down the road.

Now if this true story sends chills up and down yore backbone, you had best check to see if you are sittin on an ice box! I shore hope you will be able to sleep tonight after readin this story but if you can not, go down to Dookie Larson’s Big Time Sleepie Mart cause they is havin a sale on mattresses!

Ya’ll come on back now, hear?

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