Around the Holler

Yessir, there shore are some fine folks here in the holler! Tink Boord-Dill is the librarian down at the Stumpwoody Public Library! She keeps the picture book in the library filed when it ain’t on loan and she is a downright nice lady!

Other day, Tink had her a leak in the sink outside the outhouse! Drip… drip… drip… drip… finally she got tired of that leak and she called Mason Dixon who is the local plumber in Stumpwoody. Here in Stumpwoody, the job of plumber is an elected position as voted on by everbody here in the holler! Course, Mason gets elected ever year cause he has the biggest buttcrack here in Stumpwoody!

Anyhow, Tink called Mason and told him, “Mason, you had best get on down here cause I gotta leak in my sink!” Well, Mason sorta scratched his head and told her, “Ms. Tink, you shore don’t have to call me bout that… just go head and do it!”

… and Ms. Tink did!

Henryetta Hoggwookie and Laticia Snotthonker went skinny dippin down in Stumpwoody Pond! They got butt nekkid and jumped in the water. Along comes ole Dookie Dimwittie and he stood there gawkin at them there gals. They hunkered down in the water real low so’s he couldn’t see nothin and Henryetta hollered at him, “Dookie! You get on out of here! Don’t you dare be tryin to look at us in our altogethers!” Well, ole Dookie, he told them gals, “I ain’t here to be lookin at you gals. I’m here to feed the alligators!” Whooo weee, ole Dookie gots him an eyefull!

I was just sittin an thinkin bout how good life is here in the Holler! While in the midst of my cogitatin, Ms. Lisa Gergets come walkin by and stopped for a tic to chat with me. See, Ms. Gergets is Stumpwoody Hollers town floozy and she likes to gab alot! She sayed that she was just out floozyin bout town and thought she would bide a minute or two with ole Thad.

Anywho, I mentioned to her bout how I was thinkin life was so dadgum fine in the Holler and that little filly plum agreed with me. She even mentioned somethin I had never thought bout. She sayed, “Thad (she called me Thad cause that be my name), we abound in goodness here in the Holler. We ain’t never gonna go hungry cause we can always find our supper by the side of the road!”

It was then I noticed the totebag she was a carryin. That woman was out pickin out what she needed for supper!

Let me tell you bout ole Skeeter Doogan. He was feelin like he was gettin too attached to the moonshine he like to partake of so he quit drinkin. Well, ole Skeeter went about 30 minutes before he started havin withdrawer symptoms.

He had vowed not to take another drink an he did not want to look like a liar so he went drivin off in his pickup truck lookin for a hitchhiker (see, it was called a pickup truck cause that is what he did). Well, he finally found a feller with his thumb out a hikin down the road. Poor ole feller got in the pickup truck and Ole Skeeter pulled a gun on him.

Skeeter told the feller, “Open that there glove box an take out that there bottle of shine!” Well, that poor hitchhiker was plumb scart out of his socks so he opened up the glove box and took out the moonshine. Next Ole Skeeter told the feller, “Now take the top off that thang an take a drink!”

The feller opened up the mason jar and took a swaller of the shine. He started to spittin, spewin, gaspin, cryin, chokin, shakin and turned all red! Finally, after the feller calmed down a bit, Ole Skeeter gave the gun to the hitchhiker and tole him, “Alright! Now you take the gun and force ME to take a drink!”

Ole Skeeter was right proud of hisself cause he didn’t break his promise. It didn’t work out quite the way he wanted though cause the revenuers went and found them both layin on the side of the road, drunkern a plowhog! They was both booked into the County Jail for Felonious Assault With a Shiny Weapon!?

I been talkin to Omar Cratchity. He has been tellin me bout what happened to him just the other night when he was courtin Priscillie Purkensnot. He and Cillie been courtin for over 5 years now and he got to thinkin it was time to take that relationship to the next level by askin Cillie to get hitched to him. He wanted it to be just the right place and time when he asked her to be his everlovin bride so he took her down to Old Foamy.

Old Foamy was a place deep in the wood where the road dipped down into a sorta trough and it was amongst all these trees and scrubs and such. It is a purty scary place if you do not mind my sayin so and rumor has it that a creature was livin there that all the folk called the “Goat Man!”

That thing is supposed to be part goat and part man and it walks upright on its hind legs. It is supposed to have the head of a goat that has long fangs and claws. Below the waist, it is all mostly goat. Folks say that it is the most frighteningest thing they have seen. It supposedly waits for people to park in that trough and then sneaks up on them, kills them and eat them. Course, there ain’t been no witnesses cause it is fairly hard to profess something if you done been ‘et!

Anyhow, Omar and Cillie was sittin in the sofa in the back of Omar’s truck (You do not sit “on” the sofa in Omar’s truck; you sit “in” the sofa cause you sink so far down in it that you can hardly get out) and they was starin in each other’s eyes! Their heads started movin closer and closer together and their lips met in a kiss as soft as a sow’s underbelly.

They both knew it was time to take their love to the next level so they done something they never had done before. Gently, oh so gently, they swapped the tabacky they was chewin with each other. This was a love that knew no boundaries! They was now committed to each other for all eternity. I have always advocated waitin until after yore married before you start swappin tabacky but kids nowadays just can not wait!

Anyway, them kids was kissin and swappin tabacky juice when all of a sudden, there come a sound like somethin swallerin something and it was comin from right above them (it had to come from right above them cause they was sunk so far down in the sofa, remember?) Shivers started runnin up their backbone (well, honestly, that was caused by them leavin the ice box right under the couch and they had left the lid open) and they oh so slowly looked up to see what was makin that noise that sounded like something swallerin! Starin right back down at them was the scariest thing they had EVER seen! Standin on the top of that truck was this huge, hairy perversion of nature… Kevin Riley in his mankini (oh come on, you do not really believe in the goat man, do you).

Well, Cillie just plum passed out as if she were graveyard dead! Omar did the only thing he knew how to do… he took to screamin and grabbed up Cillie, throwed her out of the truck and jumped up into the driver’s seat (see, there was no back window on the truck… it was for air conditionin). Tears was rollin down Omar’s face as he started that truck right up cause he thought he was goin to get raped.

This creature was knowed for doin stuff like that! The fact is that he probably WOULD have been assaulted but at that exact moment, a hamster went runnin down the road and that great, hairy perversion of nature went chasin after it. Well, Omar slapped that truck in gear and he peeled out of Old Foamy (well, he didn’t exactly peel cause his truck could barely do 30 miles per hour) and he just left poor old Cillie layin in the dirt. We all went out to Old Foamy next day and you know what we found? Nothin! Absolutely nothin! We didn’t really expect to find anythin cause Cillie had walked home and gone to bed and the last anyone saw of Kevin Riley was him chasin that hamster down the road.

Now if this true story sends chills up and down yore backbone, you had best check to see if you are sittin on an ice box! I shore hope you will be able to sleep tonight after readin this story but if you can not, go down to Dookie Larson’s Big Time Sleepie Mart cause they is havin a sale on mattresses!

Ya’ll come on back now, hear?

My purty daughter dun went an hitched herself tew a feller from Oreegan a bit overn a year ago. Nice feller ceptin sumtimes he gits me tew wonderin iffin he is tetched in the haid.

I dun took thut thar boy unner my wing so ta speak an taut him how tew use the dadburn pooter (Now don’t yew be a gittin yore mind inta the hogtrough cause I aint talkin bout THUT kind a pooter). See, I dun went an bought me one a thum thar personal pooters an she is a FINE machine! Thut thar baby done be hasin all the latest gadgets and gizmos on er. It has a 386 Pentified Prossessor, 20 dadburn megabites of space, 756 kilowatts a memorizin an she purrs like a dadburn kitty cat! Whooooo weee, tain’t NO FOLK round these here parts set up ta be a surfin the Ciderspace like ole Thad!

Anyhew, I went an taut my dadburn sun-in-law how ta be a makin money wiffin the pooter an I started one a thum thar affilleate progrums wiffin thut thar boy. Shewt, we wus rakin in the dinero rite an left. We wus makin purt near $20 each an ever dadburn week an livin high on the hog. Yew’d thank a feller wudn’t never be able ta spent $20 in a week but thut fool boy shore did manage. Wellsir, he decided he wus a gonna make us MORE money an he went tew foolin around in the progrum and guess whut he did… HE WIPED OUT THUT THAR PROGRUM FASTERN A OLD ROLL A OUTHOUSE BUTTWIPE!!!

I didnt be a knowin anythin bout it an me an Hillbilly Mamma went out tew the barn ta be a seein how much a thut thar money we done made thut day. Mamma gots tew crankin the dewhicky handle so’s we’ud be a gettin some lectricity an I turned on thut pooter. Well lo an behold, I cudn’t find nuthin in thut thar progrum an I hollerin out ta Mamma, “Crank faster Mamma cause sumthin ain’t workin rite!”

Wellsir, Mamma gots tew crankin hardern harder but still nuthin wus workin. “Mamma! Yew’s gots tew crank thut thang faster cause I cain’t get nuthin on this here moniker!” Mamma gots tew crankin thut thang likety split but nuthin wus a workin. Finally, I called out tew her, “Mamma, yew kin stop the crankin now cause sumethin jest ain’t workin rite! Mamma… MAMMA… Mamma?” She didn’t be a hearin me cause Mamma dun passed out smack dab in the middle a the barn floor! Well sir, I wus a mite worryin an yew shore be a knowin whut I did then, dontcha?

Yep, I went tew steppin rite over Mamma an went tew lookin fer thut fool boy whut was a messin wiffin my pooter. Ain’t ANYTHIN worsen haven yore dadburn pooter wiped! Anyhew, I wus a gonna give thut thar boy a whuppin but he’s a mite big fer a feller whut’s 30 years old sew I jest let it go!

Anyhew, thut thar be the endin a my tail bout gettin my pooter wiped! I gots ta be a  sayin thut I still be a liken thut thar boy but frum now on till the good lard comes ta git me, I’ll be a callin him Eraserhead!

Hankie Dewberry shore ain’t the smartest cracker in the barrel. That there boy done seen somebody stealin Dookie’s truck the other day an Hankie went rushin inside to tell ole Dookie!

“Dookie! Dookie! I just seen a feller stealin yore truck!” Dookie jumped up outta his seat an hollered at Hankie, “Tarnation, Hankie, did ya be seein who done it?” Hankie replied, “I shore didn’t, Dookie, but don’t ya be a worrin yerself none cause I got the license plate number of the truck!”

Yessir, ole Hankie shore nuff is a few cards short of havin a full deck!

Fetch My Newsletter!