Henryetta Hoggwookie and Laticia Snotthonker went skinny dippin down in Stumpwoody Pond! They got butt nekkid and jumped in the water. Along comes ole Dookie Dimwittie and he stood there gawkin at them there gals. They hunkered down in the water real low so’s he couldn’t see nothin and Henryetta hollered at him, “Dookie! You get on out of here! Don’t you dare be tryin to look at us in our altogethers!” Well, ole Dookie, he told them gals, “I ain’t here to be lookin at you gals. I’m here to feed the alligators!” Whooo weee, ole Dookie gots him an eyefull!

Whoooo Weeee! Who Ya Gonna Call When It Is Time To Dew Some Serious Bug Butt Kickin’? The Hillbilly Marketer, That’s Who!

Jest think about it… there yew are sittin’ with yer bestest guy or gal. That  big ole’ full yeller moon is just a risin’ over them  thar tree tops and yew done be knowin’ that love is in the air!


Yer sittin’ right next to each other on thut thar soft love seat in the back of yer pickup, jest lookin’ dreamily into each others eyeballs. Yew lean towards each other and yore moist, tender lips commence to touchin together. Tenderly, oh so gently, yew swap tobacco juice with each other and you done be knowin… this here IS love!


All of a sudden like, yore “bestest other” lets out a little yelp and jumps up outta thut dadgum seat of love! Yore so startled, yew swaller yore plug of tobacco. Yore so mad thut yew start to spittin’ and spumin’ because yew didn’t WANT to swaller thut ther plug until later. Dadgum thing still had plenty of tobacco juice in it!


What in tarnation just happened… BUG BITE!


Yes sir, I done be a knowin… thut thar same exact thing has probably done happened to yew quite a few times, too! I can shore imagine whut yore purty dadblamed tired of it. I’m right thar with yew, my bug bit friend!


That is why I done gone and wrote a report to make shore thut ain’t gonna be a happenin’ no more than nine or ten more times… AND THAT’S IT!


Interducing’…

Thaddaeus T. Hogg’s “Guide to Bug and Insect Repellin’ and Treatin’!”


Dear Bug Bit Friend,


I done knowed yew is sick and tired of gettin’ bug bit all the dadburn time! Well sir, I done gone and wrote a report on treatin’ and repellin’ bug bites. In this here report yew will learn what stops thut thar stingin’ and itchin’ from those dadburn bug bites AND it also tells yew how to be a preventin’ them bugs from bitin’!


In this here report, yew is gonna learn:


The history of bug bites! It goes all the way back to Adam and Eve


Natural home remedies what will make them thar bug bites start feelin’ a whole bunches better


Natural home remedies what will keep them dadgum bugs from bitin’ in the first place. Quite honestly, ain’t nothin’ better than Granny Whistlepoop when she breaks wind but she’s a mite expensive to fly out to yer place. BUT this here report has a few of the next best things which is available


My most favoritest home remedy for treatin’ them thar bug bites


I tell yew the story of how ole’ Booger used my most favoritest remedy when he gots in trouble with some a them rattlers he was always a huntin’


I reveal my innermost forbidden’ secrets about whut yew SHOULDN’T use fer bug bites


I’m shore by now thut yew is startin’ to feel all tingly inside your britches from all the excitment! See, that is whut this here sales letter is SUPPOSED to do! I’m buildin’ yew all up so you will be peein’ in yer pants to get a copy of this here report. But hold on a dadgum minute there amonia britchies!


Guess whut else I am gonna do fer you! I said “GUESS” dadgumit! Cain’t figger it out, can yew? Well, if yew will buy this here report, right now, I am gonna let you give it away to other folks! Yew git whut them thar gooroos call “giveaway rights” meanin’ yew can use it for content, yew can use it in membership sites, yew can give it away… jest about anythin’ yew be a wantin’ to do with it. JEST ABOUT… see, yew cain’t be a changin’ a dadgum thing in thut thar report but thut thar is jest about it.


Whoooo weeee, yew cain’t beat that with a stick! This here deal is hottern a date with Shania Twain eatin’ Jalapeno peppers on a hot summer day in Texas!


How Much Does It Cost?


Well, now, this here is where I gots to give yew a little bad news. The fact is, this here report ain’t very cheap.  I’m a gonna have to be a chargin’ quite a bit of moolah for this here report but I shore do be a havin’ some purty good reasonin’ for it! I’m afraid I am a gonna have to charge yew $5 fer this here top quality report!


Why Does It Cost $5?


I’m charging $5 for this here report for 3 reasons…


I knowed $5 is a ton of money for mostest people. See, mostest people don’t make over $5 per week like the ole’ Hillbilly does so yew cain’t be expected to live as high on the hog as I do! I unnerstand that! Fact is, all them big gooroo marketers say that people jest don’t appreciate somethin’ lessin they be a payin’ a lot of money for it. THAT is why I am chargin’ so much money for this here report. I want yew to be appreciatin’ it!


Anyone who’s not serious enough about them thar bug bites to invest $5 into this report isn’t gonna even take the time to use them thar methods laid out in the report anyway.


Okay, now here is the biggest one… kin I tell yew a little secret? Okay, hunker up close to yer pooter screen and let ole’ Hillbilly whisper something into yer dadburn ear… see here, ole’ Hillbilly done gone and got his eyeballs set on this here purty little filly what just makes me feel like I gots fire ants deep down in my drawers! I am plumb smitten! Let me show yew a pitcher I have of her… Now you talk about somebody that looks real good nekid… I gots to tell you that I shore do look good nekid, but she’s not interested in seeing me nekid so I’m gonna have to impress her with my high falutin life style.


I’m chargin’ $5 for this here report so this here little filly will take a liken to me! Yew can tell jest by a lookin at her thut she is a high falutin thoroughbred. Jest take a real close look at her and yew will be a seein whut I mean.



Yew be a seein’ whut I was a talkin’ about? Didn’t I tell yew? You will not find any finer rope than what thut there girl done be a holdin’ in  her hand. Jest look at it!!! Tarnation, yew jest don’t find fine rope like that jest anywhere!


Jest look at her face… that thar hat jest dips down over her face like nothin’ yew ever seen before. Have yew EVER seen a purtier hat? Heck, no, yew ain’t!


Now, jest take a looksee down below thut thar neck. Whoo weee, have yew EVER seen a purtier double-barrel squirell shooter than whut is broken open acrost her dadgum shoulder?


And last, but certainly not the leastest, did yew even be a noticin’ thut thar chest she has? Take a look jest to the left of thut thar chest and yew will see one of them thar barbed war tatooes! Lord Gawd have mercy on my soul! I jest cain’t hardly stand it!!! I jest be a wishin I had one a them thar tatooes like thut thar!


NOW do yew be a seein why I hast to charge $5 for this hear report? Yew jest don’t find that many wimmin what come standard with all that there equipment! I jest has to do whutever it takes to be impressin’ thut thar gal.


Now, this here part is where all them big gooroos say that I am supposed to be a puttin’ a real strong “call to action.” Thut thar in laymens terms means I am supposed to tell yew to buy my report real bold like…


DADGUMIT! ALL YEW VARMINTS HAD BEST BE BUYIN’ THIS HERE REPORT RIGHT NOW OR I’LL NEVER BE A TURNIN’ THESE HAMSTERS I AM HOLDIN’ HOSTAGE LOOSE! (Kevin Riley done told me to be a sayin’ thut thar)


If yore serious about yer lorem ipsum dolar sit amet, yew will get this here report right now and be a read it today.


See them highlighted words above this line (ipsum dolar sit amet)? See, this here sales writin’ used to be a sales template and them words was already in here. I think I was supposed to take them out but, you know what… I sorta started takin’ a hankerin’ to them; so I am gonna keep them things in. I don’t be a knowin whut they mean but they shore do sound important!


As a matter of fact, I AM deadly serious about thut thar “ipsum dolar sit amet” and anybody else in their right mind outta be serious about theirs! Come on, folks, where in tarnation would yew be without it?


Yes sir, for the price of a fast food dinner down at the Road Kill Kwikie, yew shore can have all of the information yew  be a needin’ to jump full force into thut thar lorem ipsum dolar sit amet. Jest please be careful iffin yew do jump in thut yew don’t be a landin’ on Miss Penelope. She get’s a mite ticked iffin folks done be a landin’ on her!


So if you’re serious about lorem ipsum, click the “Click Here To Jump All Over This Here Thing” button below. If you need to justify the expense, skip going to McDonald’s for dinner once this week and it’s paid for.


My legal council, Bubba, wanted to be a sayin’ a few words about my money back guarantee so I am gonna turn it over to him fer a spell. Take it away, Bubba…


Howdy, folks, my name is Snuffy Lumpkins buy yew dang shore can call me “Bubba” because that thar is whut all the folks I be a knowin’ call me!


I jest wanted to tell yew thut that Thaddaeus T. Hogg, the Hillbilly Marketer, has a 100% money back guarantee on anything he does! He means it too. In fact, one gal he had over… umm, excuse me… that thar doesn’t have anythin’ to do with this here report!


Anyway, yew are guaranteed to git yore money back if yew don’t like this here report. I jest want yew to know thut I personally guarantee thut this here report will make yew start laughin’ so hard, your side will start givin’ yew fits! Now, we don’t be a guaranteein anything about payin’ no doctor bills when yew laugh so hard yew hurt yerself! Anywho, thur thar is all I have to be a sayin’!


Thank yew, Bubba! Shore do preciate yew straigntenin’ all that out fer us!


Okay, folks, this here is the part where yore gonna be a givin’ me yer money! All yew gots to do is jest click on that thar PayPal link below and yew will be a sendin’ me five of yore hard earned dollars. If yew is still havin’ some doubts, go on back up to the pitcher of thut thar filly and read thut again! I done told yew I needed it so what is the holdup?


P.S. Seriously, folks, for just $5 I’ll teach you lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Suspendisse enim. How the heck can you pass on that?

Fm: Thaddaeus T. Hogg
Time: Ain’t never learnt to tell it


Why don’t ya’ll come on in here and sit a spell with me? Oh, I’m appologizn, my name is Thaddaeus T. Hogg. That thar T stands for Thadpucker but all my frineds juss call me Bear.


Don’t yew go tellin me…I dun knowed why yew stopped by here today. Yew herd I was one a them world famous marketeers and yew wud be rite. See, I dun got rich teachin folks how to start up thar own inteernat bizness! Why, yew know whut, I knowed I cud teach you tew.


Yew say yew need some sorta proof? Well, don’t chew worry bout that…jes take a look at my brand spankin new mansion I jest bought…


The Hillbilly Marketer Mansion

Hooo weeee! Don’t that thar pitcher sat yer mouth jest waterin thankin bout how yew cud own one a them thar mansions? Wellsir, yew shur can! I kin be a teachin yew everythin yew need ta know bout that thar inteernat marketeering.


Yew know, it plum embarrasses me ta go ta bragin but, jest last weak, I dun made me 48 cents by usin that thar Gugle Addsince. But that ain’t all…


Last weak, I also dun made me jus over a dollar with that thar affiliac programs. But that ain’t all…


Jest let me shew yew my recipts frum my leger fore I buried my muney…

Mundey…23 sents

Toosdey…78 sents

Windsey…32 sents

Thersdey…didn’t make no muney but it wus wurth it (me an the missus got a little frisky out hind the barn)

Frydey…64 sents

Saterdey…scrubbin dey

Sundey…the Lards dey

Now, if that thar kind a muney don’t put a itch in yer crotch, I’m guessin ain’t nuthin will!


If yew wanna lurn more bout that thar intarnat marketeering, yew jus get hold a me. Yew kin kontac me by sendin me one a them thar emales to the adress below…


Thaddaeus T. Hogg – the hillbilly marketeer
Telaphon – whut? Yew thank were city slickers or sumpin
emale – thad@hillbillymarketer.com

© 2011The Hillbilly Marketer All rights reserved! Don’t make me git big Bubba after yew!

I was just sittin an thinkin bout how good life is here in the Holler! While in the midst of my cogitatin, Ms. Lisa Gergets come walkin by and stopped for a tic to chat with me. See, Ms. Gergets is Stumpwoody Hollers town floozy and she likes to gab alot! She sayed that she was just out floozyin bout town and thought she would bide a minute or two with ole Thad.


Anywho, I mentioned to her bout how I was thinkin life was so dadgum fine in the Holler and that little filly plum agreed with me. She even mentioned somethin I had never thought bout. She sayed, “Thad (she called me Thad cause that be my name), we abound in goodness here in the Holler. We ain’t never gonna go hungry cause we can always find our supper by the side of the road!”


It was then I noticed the totebag she was a carryin. That woman was out pickin out what she needed for supper!

What is up with all the talkin bout Pigweed? Seems like that stuff is the talk of the town nowadays! People comin up to me are a askin’, “Thad (they say that causin that there is my name) what do yew thank bout that thar pigweed?” Wellsir, let me jest tell yew what Imma thankin!


Pigweed has gots to be the craziest thang I ever heered of. How in tarnation can one a them porkers even hold it to smoke it? I guess a lot a them city slickers ain’t figgered out that pigs ain’t got no hands. What wud yew be a namin a product like that anyhew? Porkie Tokies? I can durn shore guar-an-tee yew that when them little piggies get them munchies, they shore won’t be a snackin on any a them chips called pigs feet! Pigweed? Who woulda thunk it?


Now I gots to be admitin that Miz Penelope shore dew like them thar Cheech and Chong movies… “Up In Smoke” was one a her fav-o-rite shows! (For those what dont be a knowin, Miz Penelope is my favorite sow) I seem to remember that in that thar movie ole Cheech kept callin the stuff sh*t! Wellsir, there shore is plenty of that in the pig pen but don’t nobody smoke it!

Let me tell you bout ole Skeeter Doogan. He was feelin like he was gettin too attached to the moonshine he like to partake of so he quit drinkin. Well, ole Skeeter went about 30 minutes before he started havin withdrawer symptoms.


He had vowed not to take another drink an he did not want to look like a liar so he went drivin off in his pickup truck lookin for a hitchhiker (see, it was called a pickup truck cause that is what he did). Well, he finally found a feller with his thumb out a hikin down the road. Poor ole feller got in the pickup truck and Ole Skeeter pulled a gun on him.


Skeeter told the feller, “Open that there glove box an take out that there bottle of shine!” Well, that poor hitchhiker was plumb scart out of his socks so he opened up the glove box and took out the moonshine. Next Ole Skeeter told the feller, “Now take the top off that thang an take a drink!”


The feller opened up the mason jar and took a swaller of the shine. He started to spittin, spewin, gaspin, cryin, chokin, shakin and turned all red! Finally, after the feller calmed down a bit, Ole Skeeter gave the gun to the hitchhiker and tole him, “Alright! Now you take the gun and force ME to take a drink!”


Ole Skeeter was right proud of hisself cause he didn’t break his promise. It didn’t work out quite the way he wanted though cause the revenuers went and found them both layin on the side of the road, drunkern a plowhog! They was both booked into the County Jail for Felonious Assault With a Shiny Weapon!?

I been talkin to Omar Cratchity. He has been tellin me bout what happened to him just the other night when he was courtin Priscillie Purkensnot. He and Cillie been courtin for over 5 years now and he got to thinkin it was time to take that relationship to the next level by askin Cillie to get hitched to him. He wanted it to be just the right place and time when he asked her to be his everlovin bride so he took her down to Old Foamy.


Old Foamy was a place deep in the wood where the road dipped down into a sorta trough and it was amongst all these trees and scrubs and such. It is a purty scary place if you do not mind my sayin so and rumor has it that a creature was livin there that all the folk called the “Goat Man!”


That thing is supposed to be part goat and part man and it walks upright on its hind legs. It is supposed to have the head of a goat that has long fangs and claws. Below the waist, it is all mostly goat. Folks say that it is the most frighteningest thing they have seen. It supposedly waits for people to park in that trough and then sneaks up on them, kills them and eat them. Course, there ain’t been no witnesses cause it is fairly hard to profess something if you done been ‘et!


Anyhow, Omar and Cillie was sittin in the sofa in the back of Omar’s truck (You do not sit “on” the sofa in Omar’s truck; you sit “in” the sofa cause you sink so far down in it that you can hardly get out) and they was starin in each other’s eyes! Their heads started movin closer and closer together and their lips met in a kiss as soft as a sow’s underbelly.


They both knew it was time to take their love to the next level so they done something they never had done before. Gently, oh so gently, they swapped the tabacky they was chewin with each other. This was a love that knew no boundaries! They was now committed to each other for all eternity. I have always advocated waitin until after yore married before you start swappin tabacky but kids nowadays just can not wait!


Anyway, them kids was kissin and swappin tabacky juice when all of a sudden, there come a sound like somethin swallerin something and it was comin from right above them (it had to come from right above them cause they was sunk so far down in the sofa, remember?) Shivers started runnin up their backbone (well, honestly, that was caused by them leavin the ice box right under the couch and they had left the lid open) and they oh so slowly looked up to see what was makin that noise that sounded like something swallerin! Starin right back down at them was the scariest thing they had EVER seen! Standin on the top of that truck was this huge, hairy perversion of nature… Kevin Riley in his mankini (oh come on, you do not really believe in the goat man, do you).


Well, Cillie just plum passed out as if she were graveyard dead! Omar did the only thing he knew how to do… he took to screamin and grabbed up Cillie, throwed her out of the truck and jumped up into the driver’s seat (see, there was no back window on the truck… it was for air conditionin). Tears was rollin down Omar’s face as he started that truck right up cause he thought he was goin to get raped.


This creature was knowed for doin stuff like that! The fact is that he probably WOULD have been assaulted but at that exact moment, a hamster went runnin down the road and that great, hairy perversion of nature went chasin after it. Well, Omar slapped that truck in gear and he peeled out of Old Foamy (well, he didn’t exactly peel cause his truck could barely do 30 miles per hour) and he just left poor old Cillie layin in the dirt. We all went out to Old Foamy next day and you know what we found? Nothin! Absolutely nothin! We didn’t really expect to find anythin cause Cillie had walked home and gone to bed and the last anyone saw of Kevin Riley was him chasin that hamster down the road.


Now if this true story sends chills up and down yore backbone, you had best check to see if you are sittin on an ice box! I shore hope you will be able to sleep tonight after readin this story but if you can not, go down to Dookie Larson’s Big Time Sleepie Mart cause they is havin a sale on mattresses!


Ya’ll come on back now, hear?

You know, folks is forever and always askin ole Thad about how to be makin some money online. Well, it’s only natural they would be askin me beens I AM a big time gooroo.


It brings to mind a story bout ole Larfin Lumpwomper an his two boys Leopold and Lucius. They was drivin over Hickeydoin Bridge when, for some reason, Larfin lost control of that dadburn truck. No folks be knowin WHY he lost control but his truck shore went flyin off that bridge an into the water.


Now when his truck went under water, the driver’s side door flew open an all the glass was busted outta the driver’s side winder but Larfin didn’t panic. He shut the door, rolled down that there winder, climbed out and swam to safety!


Unfortunately, his two boys didn’t make it. I am shore sorry to be sayin that they was both drowned. They was ridin in the back of the truck when it went under water an they couldn’t get the tailgate down!


That there is the same way a lot of folks take to internet marketeerin. The door is open an there ain’t no glass in the winder but they STILL keep lookin for a way outta the truck.


Ole Larfin’s two boys didn’t make it cause they couldn’t be gettin the tailgate down. Maybe that there is the reason YOU ain’t been makin it. Maybe, just maybe, you been workin so hard to get that there tailgate down that you was forgettin that you could just swim to the shore. There was more than one way outta that truck, you know!


Now, I’m pert near shore a lot of you folks won’t be understandin what I’ve been a sayin an that’s okay. After all, I AM a high thinker what has a 5th grade edumacation and probably the biggest gooroo in Stumpwoody Holler. Well, actually, I usta be the biggest gooroo till that Mr. Myers moved into the holler! Still, I reckon I’m STILL the purtiest one around these here parts! No question bout that!


My purty daughter dun went an hitched herself tew a feller from Oreegan a bit overn a year ago. Nice feller ceptin sumtimes he gits me tew wonderin iffin he is tetched in the haid.


I dun took thut thar boy unner my wing so ta speak an taut him how tew use the dadburn pooter (Now don’t yew be a gittin yore mind inta the hogtrough cause I aint talkin bout THUT kind a pooter). See, I dun went an bought me one a thum thar personal pooters an she is a FINE machine! Thut thar baby done be hasin all the latest gadgets and gizmos on er. It has a 386 Pentified Prossessor, 20 dadburn megabites of space, 756 kilowatts a memorizin an she purrs like a dadburn kitty cat! Whooooo weee, tain’t NO FOLK round these here parts set up ta be a surfin the Ciderspace like ole Thad!


Anyhew, I went an taut my dadburn sun-in-law how ta be a makin money wiffin the pooter an I started one a thum thar affilleate progrums wiffin thut thar boy. Shewt, we wus rakin in the dinero rite an left. We wus makin purt near $20 each an ever dadburn week an livin high on the hog. Yew’d thank a feller wudn’t never be able ta spent $20 in a week but thut fool boy shore did manage. Wellsir, he decided he wus a gonna make us MORE money an he went tew foolin around in the progrum and guess whut he did… HE WIPED OUT THUT THAR PROGRUM FASTERN A OLD ROLL A OUTHOUSE BUTTWIPE!!!


I didnt be a knowin anythin bout it an me an Hillbilly Mamma went out tew the barn ta be a seein how much a thut thar money we done made thut day. Mamma gots tew crankin the dewhicky handle so’s we’ud be a gettin some lectricity an I turned on thut pooter. Well lo an behold, I cudn’t find nuthin in thut thar progrum an I hollerin out ta Mamma, “Crank faster Mamma cause sumthin ain’t workin rite!”


Wellsir, Mamma gots tew crankin hardern harder but still nuthin wus workin. “Mamma! Yew’s gots tew crank thut thang faster cause I cain’t get nuthin on this here moniker!” Mamma gots tew crankin thut thang likety split but nuthin wus a workin. Finally, I called out tew her, “Mamma, yew kin stop the crankin now cause sumethin jest ain’t workin rite! Mamma… MAMMA… Mamma?” She didn’t be a hearin me cause Mamma dun passed out smack dab in the middle a the barn floor! Well sir, I wus a mite worryin an yew shore be a knowin whut I did then, dontcha?


Yep, I went tew steppin rite over Mamma an went tew lookin fer thut fool boy whut was a messin wiffin my pooter. Ain’t ANYTHIN worsen haven yore dadburn pooter wiped! Anyhew, I wus a gonna give thut thar boy a whuppin but he’s a mite big fer a feller whut’s 30 years old sew I jest let it go!


Anyhew, thut thar be the endin a my tail bout gettin my pooter wiped! I gots ta be a  sayin thut I still be a liken thut thar boy but frum now on till the good lard comes ta git me, I’ll be a callin him Eraserhead!

Hankie Dewberry shore ain’t the smartest cracker in the barrel. That there boy done seen somebody stealin Dookie’s truck the other day an Hankie went rushin inside to tell ole Dookie!


“Dookie! Dookie! I just seen a feller stealin yore truck!” Dookie jumped up outta his seat an hollered at Hankie, “Tarnation, Hankie, did ya be seein who done it?” Hankie replied, “I shore didn’t, Dookie, but don’t ya be a worrin yerself none cause I got the license plate number of the truck!”


Yessir, ole Hankie shore nuff is a few cards short of havin a full deck!

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